Thursday, September 11, 2014

Life as I know it right now

This is probably going to sound like a sob story, who am I kidding, it really kind of is, so I thought I'd warn you in advance. I just needed to write it down and get it out especially to those people who may have felt like I have been avoiding them or I have offended unintentionally.

This past 15 almost 16 months has been so hard for me. Yes I was given a beautiful, mostly healthy, baby boy around that time, but I never EVER would have thought that I, Allira, would get postpartum depression along with my little bundle of joy. Let alone have it for over a year. It has been such a lonely, emotional, and frustrating road.

I often find myself feeling lost, or feeling like I'm floating above myself, watching myself go through the motions. So weird!!

I have lost who I am, I'm not myself at all.
                    I don't want to take the effort to talk to my friends, call them back, hang out with them, have play dates, NOTHING.......

I finally went to the doctor after four months after Porter was born. I was done trying to convince myself, and everyone else, that I was fine and that I would get back to normal. It just wasn't going to happen without some serious help. The doctor I met with was/is absolutely amazing. She is like a friend, always listening, and really seems to care about me. I told her what was going on and she said that I definitely had postpartum depression. I didn't want to accept it, and was absolutely embarrassed by it.

I started the antidepressents and still felt pretty lonely. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I thought that I didn't know anyone who had gone through this/was going through it. Little did I know! It's like I had joined a club...a not so cool one, but I was not alone! I was able to talk to people who were/had gone through the same thing as me and that helped a lot. Life was looking up!

Then the medication stopped working. It was very frustrating. I went through a few different kinds before we found one that worked, after upping the dose from 10mg to 40mg. But it was working great......

Then, before Porter even was close to one, I kept having the nagging feeling that we were supposed to have another baby. I was like, seriously? Don't you know I'm a crazy mess of a person right now? I can barely handle my two, and you think it's a good idea to throw another one in the mix?

So I put it off.

For 3 months, and didn't pray about it either...because I totally knew the answer, I just didn't want to hear it.

We ended up going to the temple on a stake sealing assignment and it was there that the prompting of trying to get pregnant was so overwhelming it brought me to tears. I hadn't had that strong of an impression since I prayed whether it was right to marry Ryan or not!

I told Ryan of my feelings that I had, and we decided to "Let the games begin!!!"

We decided it was important for me to go off of my medication so that if I were to get pregnant, I would already be done weaning myself off. We started that process, which was way easier than I thought, and I did pretty good for about 2 months off the pills. Then the depression began to settle back into my life.

Again I felt so terribly lonely, angry, frustrated, exasperated, ugly, etc...

I tried to exercise thinking that could take the place of the medication, but could barely get myself to get out of bed let alone get out of the house with the kids. It was exhausting just to think about it!!

I was on progesterone to make me have a monthly cycle, and then after not ovulating for a few months on my own, we added the oh so wonderful fertility drugs back in.

Even though I have had two kids, every time I take that stinking pregnancy test and it's negative, I feel like a little piece of my heart is ripped out. It's almost as bad as it was when we tried for 4 years to get pregnant with Carter.

It threw me deeper into my depression and made me become more of an introvert, even to the point of where I felt like I should've never been a mom, or a wife for that matter.

So we waited a little while longer, Ryan constantly asking me if I thought it would be better to go back on the antidepressents.

It has now been 6 months and I just feel done. I gave up on everything...even myself, gaining weight like crazy because I have been eating my feelings. I'm tired of trying and it being oh so fake, I'm tired of having a home that is a mess because I can't get myself to get up and clean it, I'm tired of feeling inadequate as a mother, wife, and friend.... I'm embarrassed about the whole thing.

I decided to go back on my medication, hoping that instead of having only 1 good day a week, that I could have a whole good week! It was definitely a hard decision since we're still trying to get pregnant and I honestly don't want to be on any medication when I get pregnant the 3rd time. We'll see though. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is have blind faith! But I know that my Heavenly Father hears my prayers and has plan for me.

So please be patient with me, know that I love you and appreciate you even if I don't show it right now.

 I'm trying to get back to normal...whatever that is. Is there even a normal?! :)