This is probably going to sound like a sob story, who am I kidding, it really kind of is, so I thought I'd warn you in advance. I just needed to write it down and get it out especially to those people who may have felt like I have been avoiding them or I have offended unintentionally.
This past 15 almost 16 months has been so hard for me. Yes I was given a beautiful, mostly healthy, baby boy around that time, but I never EVER would have thought that I, Allira, would get postpartum depression along with my little bundle of joy. Let alone have it for over a year. It has been such a lonely, emotional, and frustrating road.
I often find myself feeling lost, or feeling like I'm floating above myself, watching myself go through the motions. So weird!!
I have lost who I am, I'm not myself at all.
I don't want to take the effort to talk to my friends, call them back, hang out with them, have play dates, NOTHING.......
I finally went to the doctor after four months after Porter was born. I was done trying to convince myself, and everyone else, that I was fine and that I would get back to normal. It just wasn't going to happen without some serious help. The doctor I met with was/is absolutely amazing. She is like a friend, always listening, and really seems to care about me. I told her what was going on and she said that I definitely had postpartum depression. I didn't want to accept it, and was absolutely embarrassed by it.
I started the antidepressents and still felt pretty lonely. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I thought that I didn't know anyone who had gone through this/was going through it. Little did I know! It's like I had joined a club...a not so cool one, but I was not alone! I was able to talk to people who were/had gone through the same thing as me and that helped a lot. Life was looking up!
Then the medication stopped working. It was very frustrating. I went through a few different kinds before we found one that worked, after upping the dose from 10mg to 40mg. But it was working great......
Then, before Porter even was close to one, I kept having the nagging feeling that we were supposed to have another baby. I was like, seriously? Don't you know I'm a crazy mess of a person right now? I can barely handle my two, and you think it's a good idea to throw another one in the mix?
So I put it off.
For 3 months, and didn't pray about it either...because I totally knew the answer, I just didn't want to hear it.
We ended up going to the temple on a stake sealing assignment and it was there that the prompting of trying to get pregnant was so overwhelming it brought me to tears. I hadn't had that strong of an impression since I prayed whether it was right to marry Ryan or not!
I told Ryan of my feelings that I had, and we decided to "Let the games begin!!!"
We decided it was important for me to go off of my medication so that if I were to get pregnant, I would already be done weaning myself off. We started that process, which was way easier than I thought, and I did pretty good for about 2 months off the pills. Then the depression began to settle back into my life.
Again I felt so terribly lonely, angry, frustrated, exasperated, ugly, etc...
I tried to exercise thinking that could take the place of the medication, but could barely get myself to get out of bed let alone get out of the house with the kids. It was exhausting just to think about it!!
I was on progesterone to make me have a monthly cycle, and then after not ovulating for a few months on my own, we added the oh so wonderful fertility drugs back in.
Even though I have had two kids, every time I take that stinking pregnancy test and it's negative, I feel like a little piece of my heart is ripped out. It's almost as bad as it was when we tried for 4 years to get pregnant with Carter.
It threw me deeper into my depression and made me become more of an introvert, even to the point of where I felt like I should've never been a mom, or a wife for that matter.
So we waited a little while longer, Ryan constantly asking me if I thought it would be better to go back on the antidepressents.
It has now been 6 months and I just feel done. I gave up on everything...even myself, gaining weight like crazy because I have been eating my feelings. I'm tired of trying and it being oh so fake, I'm tired of having a home that is a mess because I can't get myself to get up and clean it, I'm tired of feeling inadequate as a mother, wife, and friend.... I'm embarrassed about the whole thing.
I decided to go back on my medication, hoping that instead of having only 1 good day a week, that I could have a whole good week! It was definitely a hard decision since we're still trying to get pregnant and I honestly don't want to be on any medication when I get pregnant the 3rd time. We'll see though. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is have blind faith! But I know that my Heavenly Father hears my prayers and has plan for me.
So please be patient with me, know that I love you and appreciate you even if I don't show it right now.
I'm trying to get back to normal...whatever that is. Is there even a normal?! :)
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Been Forever! but better late than never right??
It's been such a long time since I've written on here. Makes me sad but I'm not going to update you completely on the last 20 months of our lives! Just the important stuff...
Carter is now 20 months old and is patiently waiting for his little brother to make his arrival in hopefully less than a month! He's a little spitfire rough boy who loves balls, bats, or anything that is sport related..which makes his Dad so happy. He's working on talking and his current favorite word is No!...drives me absolutely NUTS!!!! But we're working on that.
Ryan is now working in the office instead of the shop, but occasionally works in the shop since he's so amazing and knows all the machines including how to build them all. I'm very proud of my man! He'll be 29 this November and feels like such an old man...I don't think he is but whatever.
I've been doing really good lately. Just ready to have this little munchkin but not ready at the same time. I mean...how do you have 2 kids??? :)
This pregnancy has been kind of crazy. At 18 weeks we found out that our little boy had a 2 vessel cord which can cause some problems with growth and have other anomalies(sp?) but he hasn't had a problem with the growth at all what with being in the 73% or over. The anomalies came later as we had to go to see UW specialists and go to Children's hospital for a fetal ekg. At that point baby had cysts on the brain, super low fluid, and they couldn't get good pictures of the heart...so they were thinking he had Trisomy 18...which is a chromosome disorder where when the cells of the baby divide they divide weird or something. Anyway...we did the blood test to check for that, Down syndrome, and for other chromosome disorders...which he had none of! It was a really hard time because with the Trisomy 18, you're child most likely won't make it to even full term. We were really relying on the Lord and our faith in the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.
Now I go in twice weekly to have Non-stress tests done so I get to hear his little heart beat. It's nice but I wish it wasn't in Everett. But my amazing OB works with me so that I only have to go twice weekly instead of 3 times a week.
Anyway!!!
Life is really good and we are so blessed. I'm so thankful to have the wonderful husband I have who supports me in everything I do and to have my little monster Carter and the little bundle of joy on the way. It's coming so soon!
Hope that gives a little update...and isn't too much either!
See you soon!
Carter is now 20 months old and is patiently waiting for his little brother to make his arrival in hopefully less than a month! He's a little spitfire rough boy who loves balls, bats, or anything that is sport related..which makes his Dad so happy. He's working on talking and his current favorite word is No!...drives me absolutely NUTS!!!! But we're working on that.
Ryan is now working in the office instead of the shop, but occasionally works in the shop since he's so amazing and knows all the machines including how to build them all. I'm very proud of my man! He'll be 29 this November and feels like such an old man...I don't think he is but whatever.
I've been doing really good lately. Just ready to have this little munchkin but not ready at the same time. I mean...how do you have 2 kids??? :)
This pregnancy has been kind of crazy. At 18 weeks we found out that our little boy had a 2 vessel cord which can cause some problems with growth and have other anomalies(sp?) but he hasn't had a problem with the growth at all what with being in the 73% or over. The anomalies came later as we had to go to see UW specialists and go to Children's hospital for a fetal ekg. At that point baby had cysts on the brain, super low fluid, and they couldn't get good pictures of the heart...so they were thinking he had Trisomy 18...which is a chromosome disorder where when the cells of the baby divide they divide weird or something. Anyway...we did the blood test to check for that, Down syndrome, and for other chromosome disorders...which he had none of! It was a really hard time because with the Trisomy 18, you're child most likely won't make it to even full term. We were really relying on the Lord and our faith in the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us.
Now I go in twice weekly to have Non-stress tests done so I get to hear his little heart beat. It's nice but I wish it wasn't in Everett. But my amazing OB works with me so that I only have to go twice weekly instead of 3 times a week.
Anyway!!!
Life is really good and we are so blessed. I'm so thankful to have the wonderful husband I have who supports me in everything I do and to have my little monster Carter and the little bundle of joy on the way. It's coming so soon!
Hope that gives a little update...and isn't too much either!
See you soon!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Pregnancy and Summer Update
Oh how wonderful it truly is to be pregnant and to feel the constant movement and kicking and punching from our little bundle of joy.
even sooo.....
I'm so ready to be done. I'm at the point that I NEVER SLEEP due to not being able to get comfortable and having a lot of cramping, Braxton Hicks, hot flashes, crazy back pain, and nausea. It's crazy because before you get pregnant, you always wonder how you will handle all the special little ups and downs that come along with pregnancy...and then you find out.
I've been getting really nautious lately(with some violent throwing up) and having a lot of headaches. I'm trying to do everything you're supposed to and hope that it all is enough for our little guy. I worry about him sometimes. Ryan always tells me he is fine, which I'm sure he is, I just worry.
I'll admit that I'm so ready to meet our little guy and to become a mom. I can't wait!! We've had so much fun getting the baby room ready, debating on a name, and putting things together. I'm so lucky to have married someone who is pretty patient with me and someone who was willing to take a Lamaze class and not get too mad when I laughed during the breathing exercises. Oh how I love my best friend and forever companion!!
I will admit that I feel lucky about having a more mild summer this year. I'm really thankful for that because my swelling has begun to get worse. If it were any hotter, I think I would look more like a balloon but it usually goes down once I go to sleep. Ryan laughs because he can make marks on my legs that will stay for awhile. I'm glad someone gets some amusement out of it! :)
Yay for being 35 weeks and only have 5 weeks or less to go!!!! I can't wait to meet you my little munchkin!!
even sooo.....
I'm so ready to be done. I'm at the point that I NEVER SLEEP due to not being able to get comfortable and having a lot of cramping, Braxton Hicks, hot flashes, crazy back pain, and nausea. It's crazy because before you get pregnant, you always wonder how you will handle all the special little ups and downs that come along with pregnancy...and then you find out.
I've been getting really nautious lately(with some violent throwing up) and having a lot of headaches. I'm trying to do everything you're supposed to and hope that it all is enough for our little guy. I worry about him sometimes. Ryan always tells me he is fine, which I'm sure he is, I just worry.
I'll admit that I'm so ready to meet our little guy and to become a mom. I can't wait!! We've had so much fun getting the baby room ready, debating on a name, and putting things together. I'm so lucky to have married someone who is pretty patient with me and someone who was willing to take a Lamaze class and not get too mad when I laughed during the breathing exercises. Oh how I love my best friend and forever companion!!
I will admit that I feel lucky about having a more mild summer this year. I'm really thankful for that because my swelling has begun to get worse. If it were any hotter, I think I would look more like a balloon but it usually goes down once I go to sleep. Ryan laughs because he can make marks on my legs that will stay for awhile. I'm glad someone gets some amusement out of it! :)
Yay for being 35 weeks and only have 5 weeks or less to go!!!! I can't wait to meet you my little munchkin!!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Little bit frustrated..
So we went to our second ultrasound to remeasure baby boy's anatomy. He moved a little more which we were very happy to see but we still couldn't see his face and had to make another appointment. The next appointment is so that we can make sure his little nose and mouth are forming correctly. I'm sure they are but it makes me nervous to not know with a surety that everything is going well in there.
AND...
To make matters worse, they told us that the amniotic fluid is low. My immediate reaction was to ask a bagillion questions: Is he still able to breathe alright? Is he still growing at a good rate? How do I get my fluid to go up? Is that why I don't feel him kick very strongly??? I hate having so many questions and not having immediate answers to them. They told us that he is still growing just fine and that for the answers to my other questions I would have to ask my doctor. MEH!!! I hate having to worry about the little guy.
Another thing that made us nervous was going online and finding out information about low amniotic fluid and what it can do/not do to the baby. I hate when I look online because I over diagnose myself and get all worried.
I just can't wait until we go again on Saturday and hopefully everything will be looking up!
AND...
To make matters worse, they told us that the amniotic fluid is low. My immediate reaction was to ask a bagillion questions: Is he still able to breathe alright? Is he still growing at a good rate? How do I get my fluid to go up? Is that why I don't feel him kick very strongly??? I hate having so many questions and not having immediate answers to them. They told us that he is still growing just fine and that for the answers to my other questions I would have to ask my doctor. MEH!!! I hate having to worry about the little guy.
Another thing that made us nervous was going online and finding out information about low amniotic fluid and what it can do/not do to the baby. I hate when I look online because I over diagnose myself and get all worried.
I just can't wait until we go again on Saturday and hopefully everything will be looking up!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Advice..
Are there any good/healthy ways to make the baby move around when we go in for the next appointment?? I need some advice as to what to do before the appointment so that he will be awake and not be shy.
IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!
We thought for sure that we were going to be having a girl seeing how so many other people we know are having boys and the fact that honestly, we wanted a boy first (so there could be a big brother to all the other siblings) and thought FOR SURE we would have a girl because of what we wanted. I was getting kind of excited thinking that we were having a girl because I love all the little girl stuff that you see everywhere. There are so many cute little outfits that always drew me towards the girl sections...and then the day FINALLY came to find out what we were going to have. I was starting to get anxious about finding out and didn't want to be sad one way or the other and kept trying to think this way.
The two nights before finding out were torture. I was barely able to sleep for any good amount of time but when I did sleep I had crazy dreams about the baby and what it was going to be. I'm thinking the cause of this was my Doctor telling us that we may not get to find out the gender and that we could try to find out another time. The last dream that I remember having was that our baby wasn't being cooperative and wouldn't open it's legs until the very last moment of the dream (before being woken up to go pee for the umpteenth time of the night) where the baby decided to spread its legs like wings on a bird and showed us his little hershey kiss. (Schmecle :) ) I told Ryan this in the morning and he laughed....
So we go into the appointment and I lay down on the table. The sonographer started first trying to take ultrasounds of the baby's anatomy to make sure it was growing well. Unfortunately baby was not wanting to be cooperative and had his arms and legs crossed over his face and his genitals. I kept praying over and over that baby would show us what gender it was so that we could start planning the nursery and figure out names before the baby came. So after about a half hour...the baby decided to open his legs and we found out what gender! It was sooo amazing and exciting to realize that we are having the little boy that we have wanted for so long. I couldn't stop smiling and Ryan (he'll probably kill me for this) wiped away a tear. It was so precious and such an exhilirating moment for us!
We still have to go back on the 16th to recheck his anatomy measurements and hope that he'll actually move around this time. I'm excited to go back though so we can get more pictures of our little man.
So now we are struggling to decide between the 4 boys names that we have liked for so long. (We pretty much had the girl name picked out..figures right?) It has come down to the following:
Carter Ryan Nielsen
Lincoln
Dalton
Aiden-Ryan's new fave because he found out it's his great Great grandpa's name
We've been talking a lot about Carter so I'm thinking that may be the winner but we'll see. I'm just glad to know what we're having.
SOOOOOO
YAY FOR HAVING A BABY BOY!!! :)
Isn't he a doll?
The two nights before finding out were torture. I was barely able to sleep for any good amount of time but when I did sleep I had crazy dreams about the baby and what it was going to be. I'm thinking the cause of this was my Doctor telling us that we may not get to find out the gender and that we could try to find out another time. The last dream that I remember having was that our baby wasn't being cooperative and wouldn't open it's legs until the very last moment of the dream (before being woken up to go pee for the umpteenth time of the night) where the baby decided to spread its legs like wings on a bird and showed us his little hershey kiss. (Schmecle :) ) I told Ryan this in the morning and he laughed....
So we go into the appointment and I lay down on the table. The sonographer started first trying to take ultrasounds of the baby's anatomy to make sure it was growing well. Unfortunately baby was not wanting to be cooperative and had his arms and legs crossed over his face and his genitals. I kept praying over and over that baby would show us what gender it was so that we could start planning the nursery and figure out names before the baby came. So after about a half hour...the baby decided to open his legs and we found out what gender! It was sooo amazing and exciting to realize that we are having the little boy that we have wanted for so long. I couldn't stop smiling and Ryan (he'll probably kill me for this) wiped away a tear. It was so precious and such an exhilirating moment for us!
We still have to go back on the 16th to recheck his anatomy measurements and hope that he'll actually move around this time. I'm excited to go back though so we can get more pictures of our little man.
So now we are struggling to decide between the 4 boys names that we have liked for so long. (We pretty much had the girl name picked out..figures right?) It has come down to the following:
Carter Ryan Nielsen
Lincoln
Dalton
Aiden-Ryan's new fave because he found out it's his great Great grandpa's name
We've been talking a lot about Carter so I'm thinking that may be the winner but we'll see. I'm just glad to know what we're having.
SOOOOOO
YAY FOR HAVING A BABY BOY!!! :)
Isn't he a doll?
I'm completely in love with him
His leg from the cervix view
Yay!!! Prego bump.
His foot.
I will tell you all...I've only gained 4 LBS!!! Which I'm completely stoked about. I'm pretty sure
I'm going to have a chubby baby because I feel so huge already and I'm still a week to halfway! :)
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Something new...
We don't really have anything new or exciting going on besides the baby news so that's probably what everyone will be reading about for the next little while until something new and exciting comes along...even though having a baby growing inside of me is pretty dang exciting..let me tell you! :)
So i've started to experience round ligament pain and holy schmoly am i dying when it happens. It freaked me out at first because I felt really tight and crampy in the abdomen area and i had slight bleeding...but our worries were gone as soon as we went to the doctor's and got to hear our baby's really fast heartbeat. We were a little nervous at first because the doctor couldn't seem to find any heartbeat but mine, but then our doctor said that he had found it and that the baby must not like the doppler because he/she kept kicking it away when he would hear the fast thudding heartbeat. He also told us that we have quite an active baby! :)
It was so precious. Made us pretty much smile from ear to ear.
I think that i've started to feel little kicks here and there. It's pretty exciting and new so i'm not quite sure if i know what i'm feeling but the doctor said i may be feeling it already. I'M SO EXCITED!!! At least to be able to feel the kicks but maybe not so much to have a baby who is super active and may be active at night...we'll see. I just want our baby to be healthy.
School is getting really tough right now. The end of the quarter is coming up quickly and with being sick and laying in bed doing only minimal homework, i'm behind. I honestly thought that being pregnant and going to school would be just fine...however, I was wrong! In most of my classes I do just fine but in the ones where I have a lot of memorizing and such...it seems absolutely impossible. I'll make it through though. I have been at the library every night for the past few weeks.
This brings me to say that I have an absolutely amazing husband who is so patient and helpful. He has been working overtime and bringing home extra work to help keep him busy and to help pay down bills before the baby comes. I'm so very grateful for him and all that he does for me. LOVE YOU HONEY!!! :)
The end.
So i've started to experience round ligament pain and holy schmoly am i dying when it happens. It freaked me out at first because I felt really tight and crampy in the abdomen area and i had slight bleeding...but our worries were gone as soon as we went to the doctor's and got to hear our baby's really fast heartbeat. We were a little nervous at first because the doctor couldn't seem to find any heartbeat but mine, but then our doctor said that he had found it and that the baby must not like the doppler because he/she kept kicking it away when he would hear the fast thudding heartbeat. He also told us that we have quite an active baby! :)
It was so precious. Made us pretty much smile from ear to ear.
I think that i've started to feel little kicks here and there. It's pretty exciting and new so i'm not quite sure if i know what i'm feeling but the doctor said i may be feeling it already. I'M SO EXCITED!!! At least to be able to feel the kicks but maybe not so much to have a baby who is super active and may be active at night...we'll see. I just want our baby to be healthy.
School is getting really tough right now. The end of the quarter is coming up quickly and with being sick and laying in bed doing only minimal homework, i'm behind. I honestly thought that being pregnant and going to school would be just fine...however, I was wrong! In most of my classes I do just fine but in the ones where I have a lot of memorizing and such...it seems absolutely impossible. I'll make it through though. I have been at the library every night for the past few weeks.
This brings me to say that I have an absolutely amazing husband who is so patient and helpful. He has been working overtime and bringing home extra work to help keep him busy and to help pay down bills before the baby comes. I'm so very grateful for him and all that he does for me. LOVE YOU HONEY!!! :)
The end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)